The SlutBox Guide To Easing Into Kink & BDSM
So You're Curious About Bondage...
You're not alone, babe. A recent survey by LELO of 10,000 women found that 47% of respondents have experimented with bondage. If the thought of chains and whips excites you, read on for SlutBox's guide to easing into the sexxxxy world of kink and BDSM!
What Is BDSM?
BDSM stands for Bondage, Discipline, Submission and Masochism. Boiled down, this means: being restrained, being dominated and made to submit to your partner's demands (and being disciplined when you don't), and deriving sexual pleasure from inflicting differing levels of pain. Sounds scary? Before you exit out of this browser window and speed off to church, just wait. The most important thing to remember about BDSM is that the level of intensity is completely up to you and your partner(s)! At any time, any of these elements may be removed. As with anything in the bedroom, take things one step at a time and do what you feel comfortable with. BDSM is a part of sexual play, and the whole point is pleasure. BDSM should feel good for you and your partner(s)!
BDSM & Consent
Before you break out the ropes and ball gags, you and your partner(s) need to negotiate what's going to happen. In that negotiation, you have to talk about consent. Be up front and talk to your partner about what you're interested in exploring and what your fantasies are. Just as importantly, communicate what your hard limits are. Just because you're saying "yes" to bondage or exploring a kink doesn't mean you're saying "yes" to everything that happens after you're in bondage.
Safety Word First
Part of the negotiation process is establishing a safe word (or a few safe words) with your partner(s). In BDSM, a safe word is something other than "no" "don't" "stop" or any other word you might normally use to tell someone to slow down. This is because sometimes, those words are part of the play. Instead, pick a word that wouldn't usually come up in the context of sex. An easy suggestion? "Yellow" and "red." Yellow meaning that you'er getting close to your edge where you know something doesn't feel right, you're starting to feel uncomfortable or this is basically as much as you can take. "Red" means that you're totally done with the scene or the experience and you want to be untied, released, etc.
Know Your Bod
You you have a bad back? Does your partner have a bum knee, or a condition like epilepsy? These are all important things to take into account before anyone gets tied up. Mental health is just as important as physical health. If someone has experienced trauma, language can become a trigger when you're playing. For example, some people enjoy what's called "slut play," which is essentially dirty talk that uses words that are generally considered to be humiliating or degrading. While this can be fun or feel naughty, some words can be a trigger, or bring up insecurities. Discuss any triggers before you start, and keep communicating if anything comes up as you go.
Start With Sensory Play
BDSM doesn't have to mean whips and paddles. You can start off gently, and keep things sweet and flirty with some sensory play. Try blindfolding your partner - blindfolds are less intimidating than ropes or handcuffs, and restricting sight is a sexy way to heighten sensation and shed inhibitions. Once your partner is blindfolded, tease their body head to toe with a tickler (like the Tickle Me Tickler by Bijoux Indescrets from our June Box) or simply use your tongue, teeth and fingertips.
Rope Safety 101
The most important basic rule of beginning bondage safety? Keep ropes loose enough to fit two fingers between the rope and your partner's skin. Keep a pair of safety scissors like these on hand, in case your partner needs to be cut out of the ropes quickly. If you're the person being tied up, be sure to tell your partner when you're experiencing tingling in your fingers, toes or anywhere else. Tingling could be a sign that the rope is too tight, or that you're not in a comfortable position. Light tingling is fine for about 20 minutes. You should be able to move and struggle against the rope, and move the rope around on your skin. Your hands should be tied below your heart, in a comfortable position. Oh, and stick with sturdy nylon rope that moves nicely against the skin and won't give you or your partner(s) rope burns.
Don't Forget Aftercare
The session isn't over until you've sat down for some aftercare. Aftercare simply means sitting down with your partner(s) and talking about what you did and didn't like. This is especially important for beginners since you might not know what about bondage turns you on yet. Aftercare can last days - if something comes up three days later, share that with your partner or at least write it down in a journal so you can keep tabs on your experience.
